my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
