Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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