Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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