There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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