i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize