You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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