Four minutes until I can fart!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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