i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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