Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
