is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
