I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
