The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
