i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
