dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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