I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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