I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
