so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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