I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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