Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He has the fingertips of a God
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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