I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
