I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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