My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
