I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
