I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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