The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my phone needs a breathalizer
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
