I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
