im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
