the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
