I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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