She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
