Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
