I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
