i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
