you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
