Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
