Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize