He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
