Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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