Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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