Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
