He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
