this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
