dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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