She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
