I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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