Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
