Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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