??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
