Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
