just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
