I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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