Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
