we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
