He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
