i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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