There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
