oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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