and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
