we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
