Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
