I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
