But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
